My house, my home, my prison, my nothingness. I looked into an abyss that I was afraid to look into because if I fell, I feared I would not be able to get out. The fall would be not only hard, but also long-lasting. Nietszche already said: “If you look too much into the abyss, the abyss will eventually look back at you”. And I didn’t want it to look at me and I didn’t want to see either. Maybe that’s why I kept my eyes closed, looking for hope, intoxicating myself with improbable possibilities. The uneasiness became so great that I felt like hitting the walls, trying to break down the walls that held me captive and escape from this new reality that seemed to come out of fiction. I wanted to lose consciousness and wake up several months later, when the nightmare was over. I really longed to lose it and forget so much pain. To pass to another plane, to another state, neither awake nor asleep, to a way of being in which I felt nothing. To faint until I disconnected. And I cursed my mind a hundred times for resisting, for insisting on fighting on when it would be so easy to shut down.
The bland and aimless days followed one after the other like an out-of-tune symphony, because the conductor has gone on strike and the musicians no longer know where to go from here. There is no score. There is no melody. The metronome has broken. All that remains is a chaos that devours everything with an unprecedented cruelty without rhythm or rhythmic timing.
It was exhausting. The lack of pure air not vitiated by my discouragement, made the headache the good morning greeting every morning, the result of nights and more nights of elusive sleep and bad sleep. Like a slight hammering that does not leave you, like a dripping faucet and no matter how hard you try to tighten it, it has already gone too far. In the end, another drop falls and then another and another… My bed was now a place of torture, a dungeon made of springs and viscoelastic.
Outside those four walls they said there was a pandemic spreading to every corner of the planet, emptying the streets, filling them with silence while my mind was filled with noise and confusion like real pandemonium.
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